Bruce Sterling on Fri, 20 Sep 2002 22:55:47 +0200 (CEST) |
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http://maxspeak.org/gm/archives/00000479.html 09/12/2002 Archived Entry: "EU DEBATES MEASURES TO RESTORE DEMOCRACY IN FLORIDA" EU DEBATES MEASURES TO RESTORE ORDER AND DEMOCRACY IN FLORIDA. [From Le Monde et La Merde, September 12, 2002] BRUXELLE -- The storied war cabinet of the European Union continued to meet today, deep in deliberations on restoring order to the rapidly deteriorating situation in Florida, U.S.A. Sources said debate bogged down initially over disagreements over whether order had actually prevailed in the first place. EU Minister of Information & Household Appliances Bo Husqvarnaquistholm from Sweden reported to the group on the present situation: "We have an across the board breakdown of the state's social and public services. The Child Welfare Department has been taken over by people who believe in flogging disobedient minors. Law enforcement agencies let perpetrators of drug offenses walk away from arrest. They prefer to focus on conducting surveillance on houses of prostitution. Election officials are ignorant of election laws. Election workers are ignorant of how to administer elections. Governor Jeb Bush is ignorant of the fact that elections are a state government responsibility. Dogs and cats have begun to try to eat each other, while alligators are eating them both. Janet Reno evades apprehension and is liable to eat anything." Minister of State Stability Sylvio Pecorino of Italy summed up the governance problem. "Legitimacy of the state has evaporated, given the debacle of the 2000 election, compounded by this week's repeat performance. The counties don't recognize the governor and the governor can't find the counties. We must act to bring self-government to the workers, peasants, and fisherpersons, both gay and straight. Regime change is imperative." Ministrix of Tough Love Helga Von Weinerschlanger laid out the military options. "We can have an allied force of French Foreign Legion, Swiss Guard, and Italian Carabinieri there in 48 hours. They can liberate the state in several days. Then a Dutch Psycho-Active Warfare unit can move in and dose the population into a state of blissful repose while we mop up isolated bands of Christian and Jewish fundamentalist extremists." The Belgian Convenor of the group, Leopoldo Poirot, twirled his linguini for a moment and asked, "But is it legal? Shouldn't we go to the United Nations first? Why not start with election inspections? What's Jimmy Carter doing these days?" French Minister of Deconstruction and Semiotics Petit Labelle objected, "Absoluement Pas! If we do the U.S. will automatically veto and we will be stymied. Meanwhile Floridians will continue to suffer. Better to intimate broad consensus and promise to form a gigantic 'coalition.' If someone says nobody supports the action, we say they will really be glad to see us act, even if they are reluctant to say so." The Portuguese Minister of Wine and Wool, Vino Verde, offered a conciliatory idea: "We can have inspections first. We just make sure they fail; that gives us the pretext to invade." The only residual issue was the delicate one of finance. The Spanish Minister of Platas asked, "Our per capita income is lower than Mississippi's. How can we expect to pay for this enterprise?" Swiss Minister of Numbered Accounts Franz Lucre replied, "Simple. We drill for oil off the coast, turn the Everglades into a condominium development, and nationalize Disney World." The assembled agreed to have their nationalized television networks immediately begin to propagandize on behalf of the mission. Dissident commentators carefully chosen for their flaccidity would be engaged to argue the anti-EU position, after having the crap kicked out of them for about forty minutes. Upon completion of the operation, it would be submitted to the European Parliament for approval. # distributed via <nettime>: no commercial use without permission # <nettime> is a moderated mailing list for net criticism, # collaborative text filtering and cultural politics of the nets # more info: majordomo@bbs.thing.net and "info nettime-l" in the msg body # archive: http://www.nettime.org contact: nettime@bbs.thing.net