<nettime> Register: Clinton offers on-line shopping tips

["nettime's_roving_reporter" <nettime@bbs.thing.net>]

<http://www.theregister.co.uk/991201-000003.html>

Posted 01/12/99 10:12am 
by Thomas C Greene in Washington

Bill Clinton offers on-line shopping tips

In a most appalling display of commercial evangelism, US President Bill
Clinton addressed his people last weekend with a Thanksgiving message
devoted entirely to extolling the sacred blessings of consumerism and to
sharing tips for indulging this national obsession via the Web. 

His opening blurb was startling, fairly associating the Thanksgiving
spirit with the business of making purchases: "On this holiday weekend,
when we count our many blessings, Americans are also busy buying gifts for
the next holidays, right around the corner," he said.  We were hoping he
might possess the dignity to leave it there, or at least pretend to have
the dignity to leave it there, but we were disappointed. 

"On Thanksgiving... my family and I gave thanks for the enormous
prosperity America is carrying forward into the 21st Century," the
Gigolo-in-Chief warbled. 

We listened in hopeful expectation of some jaunty acknowledgment of
excess, some self-deprecating reference to getting carried away, but he
had only just hit his stride. The fatuities dribbled from his lips, and no
doubt with the taut-lipped android smile of some brainwashed talk-show
domestic tips cheerleader along the lines of Martha Stewart.  "About four
million American families will buy some of their gifts on-line for the
first time this holiday season," the President drawled. "I intend to join
them, because on-line shopping has significant benefits not just for
consumers and large established retailers. On-line commerce also opens a
world of opportunity for local artisans and small entrepreneurs." 

Ah, but there are risks on the Net, and His Smarminess was ready with a
few special pointers: "First, in the on-line world, you must pay close
attention to details. Carefully check for shipping and delivery dates, for
extra fees, warranties, return policies, and phone numbers to call if you
run into a problem." 

Sage advice to be sure. We look forward to his Christmas message, perhaps
revealing his favourite tart crust recipe and quilting tips.  And there
was more: "Second, always buy with a credit card.  With credit cards you
are protected by federal law against unauthorised charges," the President
of the United States advised. 

And on he went: "Third, guard your privacy at all times. Look for the
unbroken key or padlock symbols on the order page to ensure that your
credit care information will be transmitted securely.  Don't share
passwords with anyone, and be sure to read the merchant's privacy policy
to see what information is being collected about you and how it will be
used." 

He even consecrated a new national objective. Roosevelt had the New Deal
(and contributing to the defence of decent human civilisation against
vicious assaults by Germany and Japan);  Kennedy had the Peace Corps; and
Johnson the War on Poverty and the Civil Rights Act.  Clinton would not be
outdone. He offered to posterity the Online Shopping Spree. "We all must
work together to make sure that shopping on-line is just as safe as
shopping in a mall," the leader of the world's most powerful nation urged
his people. 

This, then, was the President's Thanksgiving address: another opportunity
squandered to reach a commercially debauched nation with the grossest of
the world's gross national products in some meaningful human context --
something like gratitude or empathy, perhaps, as humility would of course
be asking too much. 

But instead, a race blithely poisoning its cardiovascular systems with the
most plentiful and cheapest groceries on Earth gorged itself during a day
when thirty thousand black, brown and yellow children in remote quarters
died of malnutrition, neglect and preventable disease, while the President
chirped inanely about some fatuous point-and-drool scheme to stimulate the
sale of tasteless consumer rubbish via personal computers. Surely, if he
possessed the ability to reason morally he would have hanged himself in
shame for that and perhaps fifty other grotesque public performances. 

We listened, and we confess it: we did laugh, all right; but we did so
because if we hadn't, we should have cried instead. ®

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